Nr.19 ended with: “But then, as I was so much enjoying the studies, the atmosphere and the Lord, something happened, something that really threw me off and made me decide to leave…………….!”
The College had two large 3 day conferences a year, one in the fall, the other in April, closing off the school year. Hundreds of people from the surrounding area and even from far away would attend, many of them having to stay overnight. They were times of tremendous blessing, with inspiring speakers and with missionaries from all over the world telling about what the Lord was doing in other countries. I had been told about this and was looking forward to it with great anticipation.
Well, Thursday evening came, the meeting started, the choir sang, the speakers preached, missionaries told stories and everyone was moved, except me! I told you before that ever since giving my life to Christ I had been living on cloud nine. God’s presence was so real, I could “feel” Him. But now, all at once that was gone, I didn’t feel anything, my heart was empty and cold. As the days went by and people were so enjoying the meetings, I became more and more miserable. Many were often in tears as speakers and missionaries presented their messages and the choir sang. I had tears too, but not of joy, but of frustration, not understanding what was wrong with me. I went walking out on the prairies at night looking at the starry sky and asking God to give me a sign, to make a star fall, so that I would know that He was still with me, but nothing happened. As the conference drew to a close I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t really a Christian, I couldn’t be, as others were so moved and overjoyed, and my heart was so cold and indifferent. Sunday night I went to the principal and told him that I would be leaving the next day, as I was convinced that I was not a real Christian. He prayed with me, but nothing happened and so I went to bed…………! (Go to Musings).